The Truth of I Am.

Excruciatingly long seasons, 
Seemingly unproductive steps towards success, 
Hidden fears & disappointment towards God, 
Apathy at its finest... 

It feels like its been years since I've been at reckless abandon at the feet of Jesus, completely soaked and immersed in this thing I love- the Presence of my Daddy. It feels like years ago that my one & only desire was to have the outwardly overflowing love of God towards those around me, to carry the Presence in a way that shifts atmospheres the moment I walk in, to witness lives change because of one simple gospel of love. 

My secret place with Jesus has always been the conversation about my dreams. The softest, most precious, most vulnerable part of my heart has been my ability to trust that when I walk with a good Dad, that He will take me into the greater realms of executing who I am, my gifts, my talents, the way that He desired- for His name, for His glory. & He always promised me, dreamt with me, guided me through the process of striving towards those dreams. 

I guess the disappointment & unfulfillment of living a life that gradually made it all about myself & my future... has hardened my heart towards the journey of a reckless pursuit of God. Though regardless of what I was doing, He has remained the same. & regardless of my capabilities & skills, He has already spoken value & worth into my existence. Though at the end of the day, I need Jesus, more than I need a  good marriage, a stable job, & 100,000 followers on Instagram to validate the hard work that I put into this thing called dance. & yet... the human inside of me... the fleshly entitlement of feeling like I deserve success because of how hard I work, or how much time I put in, has put me in chains of acceptance from everyone else except my Abba. 

It's a daily conversation I have with those around me- in my relationship, with my family, at bible studies- that we want to remember the importance of our identity WITHOUT performance. That we are a daughter, a child, an inheritor, a saint, more than we are a dancer, a student, a worker, or a public figure. That we want to pursue Jesus more than we pursue a career, financial stability, romance, or success (whatever that may look like). But it's hard to apply it, deep in my heart, so that the way I live resonates with the desires that I verbalize. It's hard to not be where I want to be, & still feel utterly satisfied because I have the wholeness of Jesus inside of me. 

But today, I surrender false ideals & expectations for myself, & trade it in for the sole truth that I am already who God wanted me to be, without the need to do anything to earn it. I surrender my desires for fame, success, & validity, for the truth that God has created me to be fully capable, gifted, unique, & loved, even if the world may not treat me like so. I surrender my apathy, disappointments, & fears, for the truth that God is faithful & abounding with provision, & that it will manifest in my life when I choose to love God wholeheartedly.

Remembering today that He is Lord of Lord in my life, & that I would give anything - whatever it costs - to freely enjoy His presence again. 

Thank you Jesus that there is more to life than what I've been believing. Thank you Jesus that I AM more than what I've been telling myself. You are my greatest reward, & I will live in a way that boldly represents the identity you’ve given me well.