When Things Are Not Okay

There are times when I don't have everything quite together. 
Lately, I've been reminded of my brokenness, my emptiness, my hopelessness without Jesus, a lot more than the revelation of who I am & what I deserve. 
There are times where I feel utterly alone- though I know His presence is with me always. Sometimes the knowledge of His presence is easily shadowed under the lack of community, the lack of understanding, the lack of quality relationships where I can be loved on & affirmed properly through.
& there are times where hurts from deep within start to surface, blocking the words from my mouth, as though they were never mine in the first place. 

I feel almost betrayed by my childish innocence. The very thing that once allowed me to believe that I will never change. My dreams, my faith, my relentless pursuit of the things I loved. Yet the tribulations of life are uncompromising, nonchalantly wearing away what was once strong & unshakable, as if it's a normal part of life... Ignoring my desperate cries of wanting to live life differently from everyone else. A life of unchanging hope & advancement. 

Though some of my burdens are not mine to bear, & others are ones I mindlessly welcomed, I never thought of myself to be someone to be easily hindered & calloused. 

But slowly assuring myself that it is okay, to not be okay sometimes. 
To let myself feel the things I feel, simply because I have softened my heart to the depths & emotions of life's currents. Because it is better than to feel than to not feel at all. & because Jesus meets me, not just in salvation & fancy promises of destiny, but in the brokenness I bring to him in the darkness of my room, where I carefully surrender the scars that my heart had unknowingly buried out of shame. 

Though things may not okay, circumstances are but temporary, while the joy of the Lord is not. Calling upon Your name today, as I try to remember who I am in You, even when all else in life fails me. Because things are not okay, when you are missing. I invite You, Jesus, into the broken & empty areas of life, where I've left abandoned & forgotten. Would you renew me, Lord. Because I trust that the parts of me that have once been broken, are that much more beautiful when made whole again.