All of Me, for All of You
I remember all the times in my high school/college years when I sat in the presence of God & promised Him one thing:
"I will never fall away from you. I will never leave you. I will always love you, even if there's nothing else left."
Those times feel like ages ago.
Not because those promises still don't stand, but because life has changed its currents way too many times. Because finding God in each season, constantly giving in to Him & giving out to flesh, is more tiring, more draining than I ever thought it'd be.
I'm scared. Not of falling away, because I would never walk away from Him. But of being indifferent. Of callousing my heart so much that one day, my heart becomes too hardened. That one day, I'll be absolutely and perfectly content with giving Him my easy 50, instead of giving Him my difficult and weary 100.
"In him, you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed wit the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it."
Ephesians 1 : 13-14
I want to fight for you.
I want to give you all of me, every whole or broken piece of me, until the day I acquire the fullness of what you promised me - You.
Though what I have to offer may be little and quite lacking; though what you give me in return is immeasurably greater; though what you deserve is much more than I can ever carry… You are enough for me to trade all of me, for all of you.
I told God a couple weeks ago that I wasn't quite sure how to pursue Him full-heartedly anymore. It was easy when I was younger- I had all the time in the world, the right community, a pastor and teacher, fresh dreams and childlike prayers. But I'm older now. I'm busy with life, I don't have a community to run with me or to invest in me. I no longer have people to lead me, and a lot of my dreams are being replaced with hopelessness and fear. But the one thing that hasn't changed is my desire to want to love Jesus, in the midst of uncertainty and weariness. And the one thing that will never change is His faithfulness to me, the one He adores and sings over, even when I don't notice.
2018:
Taking baby steps, but to a year of learning how to pursue Him again, with all that I am and all that I have. You can have my fears, God. You can have my sins, my weaknesses, my shortcomings. My gifts, my talents, my desires, and my dreams. My circumstances, my doubts, my struggles, and all of my possessions.
All of me, for all of you. I wouldn't want anything else.
