In Heaven's Eyes

It's been a couple of days since my grandma passed away. 
It's surreal. A bit hard to explain the feeling of losing someone you cherished so much, but in exchange for the happiness they gain being with Jesus. 

I told God earlier this year that He had to take her when I'm ready. 
A weird thing to ask of Him, & even a bit selfish in a sense- but He knew. 
The quiet attempts to redeem the bratty adolescent years & the lack of genuine quality time that I had let slip through my fingers growing up. The deep desire in my heart to want to know her- every part of her- before it was too late. Her past, her character, her experiences. Her biggest dreams, her deepest desires, her hidden struggles. The things she loved to do, the foods she loved to eat, the songs she loved to sing. The things she prayed about at night, the things she wondered with a child's heart, the things she treasured & valued, no matter how insignificant they seemed to everyone else. 

I feel strange, a bit guilty even, to say that there has been perfect peace in my heart throughout this whole process. Because there is a consolidating truth that God has been slowly but surely molding into my heart, every time I chose to spend time with her. God isn't a good luck totem, or this mysterious idea of a person that we look to for comfort in the times that the fear of the unknown creeps in. He is a reality. & the idea of Heaven- of HOME- is such a real place, a real ending (or beginning). It is a tangible & undeniable reward that we, she, gets to enjoy for eternity. 

There is such a profound Grace in even the darkest of times. & when my heart weighs heavily into the night, He walks in the room & assures me that there is a bigger picture in the eyes of the Kingdom. I loved my grandma- with every ounce of guilt, with every second of laughter that I had with her. But God loved her first. & she confidently loved Him back. & that is truth- the only truth that locks itself with the hands of eternity. 

God is still so good, & no death nor powers of darkness can overshadow the simple goodness of God in all that He was & is & will continue to be. Thank you, Jesus, for dying so that we may find life in your sacrifice. 

Going to miss you, grandma.
But I'll be strong for you, because you're in good hands now.

Sung In Soon (08.12.1931 ~ 12.24.2017)