Until Marriage

After my recent season of wrestling with God, God told me it was time to work on the area of commitment. 

Uh oh. 
I knew this time would come someday..

My whole life, every time Dad would bring up the topic of commitment in my life, I always had a very shallow understanding of what that meant. I assumed He was talking about committing to my future husband. Ok God... I'm willing to do that already, why do I need to work on it? 
But not too long ago, God spoke to me & made it known to me that all the Sundays services I missed because of being tired from late night rehearsals, dance gigs, or because I was traveling, were- yes, legitimate reasons for missing- but each one was an excuse. An excuse to not come to church because I was hurt by the ministry. An excuse to avoid quality time with students because I had fears of investing into more people than I can handle. An excuse to not sacrifice my tiredness because I was lazy. & the result was me becoming a teacher who loved my students with my words, but was never present and not fully invested in them as much as I wanted to be. 

It wasn't that I was busy. It was a problem with my commitment. 

I told God one day about 2 years ago to teach me how to love ministry more than I love anything else in the world. Even my dancing. Not ministry, as in the one retreat, or the one Sunday service, or the one church that I attend. But ministry, as in living my life day to day being careful & aware of what His heart is aching to do & who His heart is aching for. & then carrying that out, even if that means surrendering my own desires, my time, my energy, & my leisure in order to do it. 

& here I am, Dad tells me to stay at LA Sarang HS ministry for another year... & boy did I wrestle. What if I'm never there? What if I get too busy? What if it gets hard to balance my schedule? What if I leave my kids hanging? What if I look irresponsible? What if what if what if?
But Daddy gave me a revelation that my thought process was revolving around fear, which is not of the kingdom. & He was specifically choosing to teach me about commitment (whether that be to my future husband or my friends & family) through asking me to faithfully serve at this church for one more year, knowing that it's going to be difficult doing it. Even when I'm dead tired. Even when I'm drained or burnt out. & I realized that His definition of "commitment" is & has been so much deeper, so much more profound than what my own definition of "commitment" looked like. It's not just about dating & marriage. It's not just about being there for your family all the time. It's a heart issue, something that manifests in your actions, but rooted in something much deeper. 

I never expected God to teach me how to have a character for marriage through ministry. But it's so strange how He has been pushing me to fight for ministry the most in a time when marriage has been on my mind ALL the time. It's been something that my heart has been yearning for, & I know He has such a specific purpose in preparing me & molding me in this season through giving, loving, & investing in my students. Seems like two entirely different areas of my life, but I know they are so divinely intertwined.

Jesus, I surrender my excuses, my laziness, & my hurts to You & I want to trade them for a fiery passion, an insatiable hunger, & a wider sphere of influence for your Kingdom, Lord!