A Fire That Burns Slowly
Stage 4.
A stage of deconstructing your faith. When life starts to become repetitive & dull for no reason at all, even though you are trying your absolute best to work the hardest you’ve ever worked. To prove to yourself you still got it. To prove to God that He didn’t make the wrong decision about you. To maintain the promise that you will never ever fall away from Him, no matter the life circumstance.
Many years of burn out, many cycles of renewal, yet the only feeling that is left is numbness.
An inability to rekindle what you were once passionate for. A lack of emotion when new life transitions are offered. An irresistible desire to just start all over again. Or better yet, to just give up all that you’ve worked for.
But something everyone fails to mention is how the strongest type of fire is the kind that burns slowly.
Not the type that burns big in the beginning, but easily fades.
Not the type that burns on & off.
Not the type that emanates so much smoke on the outside that anyone watching from afar thinks it’s bigger than it actually is.
But the type that grows over time. Lighting up a small room, whispering its existence with subtlety, but with confidence. Consistent & persistent. So true to the stage it’s in, but with the potential to grow in an instant. Fueled by the fires around it, and will one day spread like wildfire.
That type of fire.
I once thought that this life of faith was worth giving up on. It is a far too windy road, with too many obstacles & too many temptations. A life of always having to choose the harder option of righteousness. A life of caring about things other people have no problem not caring about.
The crazier part? God never once asked me not to give it up.
Instead He stood in the quiet, allowing me to experience & express my emotions, simply understood, & allowed me to re-enter into His presence with longing & with gratitude.
The ending revelation? That there has been nothing sweeter, nothing deeper, nothing more loving or satisfactory, than the Lord Himself.
& when I came to His feet with the knowledge that there has been nothing else that can quite quench this soul of mine, He kneeled before me & took me in His hands, looked into my eyes & invited Himself back into my life.
Sometimes I ask Him, “what is on Your heart today?”
Sometimes I tell Him, “Sorry I took so long to come around.”
Sometimes I forget to talk to Him at all.
Most days I talk to Him all the time.
But the one thing that never changes is the fire that burns inside of my soul to want to be as close to Him, as similar to Him as possible.
To be like Jesus, & to know more of Him.
To do life in the way that He desires.
To love Him, better than any other son & daughter could.
& most importantly, to be one with the One who gave it all for me.
What more could I ask for?
